27 January 2011

I can't do this ... and I will not ...

“The whole value of solitude depends upon one's self; it may be a sanctuary or a prison, a haven of repose or a place of punishment, a heaven or a hell, as we ourselves make it.”

I never thought I would say that, but miss the time I had no one to talk to, no one that I could care about.
Life was empty, but at the same time nobody could hurt me with their mean comments or actions. 
Maybe I am just too old for that, maybe too young to understand how it works. It is time to go away ... time to come back from where I started ... and it starts with my old friend ... the solitude. 

I am scared of things, I talk too much, I get offended easily and  I don't have the patience I used to have. 
I feel like I am 18 years old today but maybe tomorrow I will feel like I am 81. 
I complain about my freckles and wrinkles ... and I am always trying to lose 5 kilos. 
People's disapproval will always hurt me, and yes,  I do care about what people think even when I say I don't ...  

I am really sorry,  I can't help ... that's who I am ... I can't do this anymore ... and I will not ... 
The search for acceptance is over ... I want my lonely world back. 

To the people who judge me, where were you when I was hungry and sad thinking I had no future? Where were you when I was scared and had a gun pointed at my head ?
I don't need any of you. I never did. 

To the people that passed by and had to go, thanks for the lessons and advices, I know exactly why you were part of my life, I hope you will understand why I was part of yours. 

To the very few people that love me just the way I am, thank you, you live inside of my heart,  and it does not matter how far we are from each other, I have a smile on my face every time I think of you. 

In this world, where we can be anything ... I choose to be myself. 


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